Why We Might Move Out

Brownlee’s on vacation.  That’s fine and all.  He deserves it.  And he felt super bad about leaving while me and Addy were under the weather, but plane tickets were bought and the show much go on and what not.  I mean I’ve been going to work and Addy’s been at daycare.  So we’re not debilitated, just not 100%.

Wednesday night we were sitting at the table eating dinner when I see something out of the corner of my eye.  A Texas roach booking it across the living room.  I started screaming, but I sound like Phoebe when she was sick and singing “Sticky Shoes” so it took a while for Brownlee to take notice.

(Quick sidebar if you are unfortunate enough to not be Texan – we have giant tree roaches that fly.  I’m sure they’re not just a Texas thing, but they are so frequent here.  When they get close to death the tend to make it into the house where they go berserker and fly (YES THEY HAVE WINGS) erratically or hang out in your shower or whatever. )

We have a long standing agreement where if any critter gets into the house, Brownlee is to smash it and flush it down the toilet immediately.  Normally he smashes it and acts like he is going to throw it on me, which I’m sure is guy code, but eventually the offending insect makes it way down the drain.

While packing for the trip, Brownlee gets real serious and goes:

“What are you going to do if there’s a roach while I am gone…”

“MOVE OUT!”

“Yeah I was going to say go to YaYa’s”.

At least we were on the same page.

The thing is, I used to live alone.  And when met with this situation I would psych myself up.  Like a boxer.  And grab a magazine and yell “I AIN’T NO BITCH” and smash the roach.  Then cringe and freak out while I ran with the tissue to dump the thing in the toilet.  If you don’t kill the roach, odds are they will crawl in your ear and lay eggs while you sleep.  Maybe not in real life, but every hair that brushes against you is that roach.  Ever corner you haven’t cleaned out has that roach and 12,000 of it’s offspring in that corner.  You get my point?  You just can’t sleep.

Addy and I made it through Thursday no problem.  I took her to day care with no tears (from me), and when I picked her up we laid on the couch till Pocoyo went off (1030pm for those not on the Nick Jr schedule).  She was still very congested but was happy to see Pocoyo and even waved back to him when he said “hi”. (cutest thing ever).

So this morning I expected even less problems because I think even kids know that Fridays are good days.  I sit on the couch to watch a little news and what do I see in the corner?  A flippin tree roach.  I really did consider just grabbing the sleeping baby and my purse and sitting in the car till we figured out a better plan.  But my aunt reminded me of roach spray and this one wasn’t moving but I didn’t want to take any chances (see aforementioned comment about roach eggs in ears).  I blasted his ass with RAID.  And he spazzed out for a minute and died.  Nukes ain’t got nothing on RAID.

We got ready for our day and I dropped Addy off and sent Brownlee the “dropped off/picked up” picture message and let him know how we were doing.

Me: 918am “I killed a roach (sprayed to shit.  Corpse still waiting on you) and took out stinky trash today.  I’m pretty much killing it as a parent”.

Look at me. Killing roaches AND parenting!