I wrote this in like pre-pandemic when I could go out and write things and it wasn’t actual end times just fun fictional end times when I could wonder about supernatural bureaucracy.
Ethel was jolted awake by the sound of frantic pounding at her door. She checked the clock on her bedside table, but remembered that her kid got rid of the clock and replaced it with a too-friendly robot that had to be scolded to provide any type of response. The pounding continued.
Hoisting herself out of bed, she made her way to the front door and looked through the peephole.
“Well what time is it Pearl? I told you I wasn’t going to Tai-Chi. I can only swirl my hands for so long until I just no longer give a damn.”
The Sunny Pines Center for Active Seniors held a gentrified version of everything. Meditation. Tai Chi. Tibetin Singing Bowl class. They had retired from their jobs. Had robots to do the vacuuming and tell you the time. Your family would video call you like The Jetsons instead of just popping up. What was there to relax from?
Ethel opened the door to see her friend Pearl in no state for Tai Chi. She had her keys in her hand (nobody let Pearl drive anymore but that didn’t stop her from paying an extra hundred dollars a month for a garage to keep her classic 1967 Cadillac Fleetwood safe from the elements).
“It’s 8:15 am,” Pearl answered. “And we missed the apocalypse.”
“The Apocalypse? You mean the Rapture? We missed the Rapture?”
Ethel tried to get some clarity. She looked at Pearl’s outfit. She had on her standard culotte set from Steinmart and an overnight bag. And of course, the keys to the Cadillac.
“Well why are you in such a rush? We can’t catch it. Robot! Give me the news,” Ethel responded.
“You have to name it. Also, the internet is down Ethel. I told you it was the apocalypse.”
Pearl was acting like one of Ethel’s grandkids. Just because the internet was down it wasn’t the literal end of the world. But Pearl already made her way to the pantry and was stuffing reusable bags with cans of tuna and Ritz crackers.
“You sure are in a rush for someone who didn’t get raptured. We can take our time. Where are you even going?” Ethel watched Pearl for a little longer then remembered Thomas put her old clock radio in the pantry when he set up the robot. She maneuvered around Pearl who was now stocking the wine, and grabbed the radio. It took a her a while to get a signal but she was eventually able to get a channel to come in.
Pearl emerged with two bottles of chardonnay in both hands and paused to listen.
Someone, not an actual reporter, but someone who knows enough to work the controls got on the radio and made an announcement.
“Um, so I don’t know if anyone can hear me but some weird shit is going on outside. Like a lot of people just…vanished? Anyway if nobody is out there, it’s pretty messed up but also I can play my mixtape and nobody can call in to complain because the Internet is down. I can’t even Snapchat being left behind. So here’s my album called “I Told You It Wasn’t Ridiculous To Burn This To CD Adam Because Sometimes The Internet Goes Down And It’s Better To Own Stuff.”
Ethel and Pearl glanced at each other then loaded up a few more bags of groceries. Ehtel looked around her apartment and decided to pack a bag. A few changes of track suits. A sweater. Her family photo and her album autographed by Marvin Gaye. They loaded the snacks and gear into the trunk of the Caddy and Pearl handed Ethel the keys as she dropped the top on the car.
Ethel did a quick scan for zombies then scolded herself for letting her grandson’s ridiculousness get to her. With no cell phone coverage she knew it would be impossible to get in touch with her family and vice versa. She did leave a note on the counter in caise anyone came looking for her or needed a place to stay.
When the ladies got on the road they didn’t see a lot of traffic. No accidents or mangled cars from people suddenly leaving their seats. They drove past a church with someone screaming in the parking lot about being forsaken.
Ethel turned down Garret the radio intern’s “Soundtrack to the Apocalypse” and decided to ask Pearl an important question. “So where are we going? I haven’t had breakfast yet and I don’t think I can handle the rapture on an empty stomach. I mean it’s still a pretty nice day. Maybe we can sit out? Find some people and get some info.”
Pearl didn’t see why not. They didn’t really have any plans for the end of times so they found a diner with the lights on and made their way inside. To their surprise there were a few people inside. Someone (not in a uniform) was grilling up hash browns and bacon. There wasn’t much conversation but another set of patrons came in behind Ethel and Pearl.
“I think there’s an old rabbit ears TV in the back,” someone, apparently a regular, remarked to no one in particular. He scooted off the bar stool and returned a few moments later with an old television set. He fiddled with the buttons and was finally able to settle on a public broadcast channel from the University playing a news feed from New York. The dinners put down their hashbrowns.
“…sudden disappearance. No planes falling from the sky. No extreme reports of fires or car crashes. People just vanished…”
The newscaster was clearly trying to maintain some form of professionalism but she started to cry. An exasperated camera operator came to the desk and scooter her out of the way.
“It’s probably Thanos,” he started. “Cell phones and the internet or down so you can loot or whatever but nothing is going to work so don’t be a dick and hoard food or anything. I mean guns still work but don’t start a purge. It’s worldwide. Landlines still work and we talked to the offices in Tokyo, Dubai, New Zealand, Mexico City. Everywhere is the same.”
The line chef turned down the TV and asked everyone if they wanted more food. Pearl asked for eggs and the young man obliged. Ethel looked around at the cast of characters. None of them looked particularly worthy of being left behind. Nobody looked like a mass murderer at least. She looked at her friend beside her and realized maybe she didn’t know Pearl as well as she thought she did.
Ethel moved into the Sunny Pines Center for Active Seniors eight months ago. She was tired of her son not cutting the grass at her home. Her grandson, Thomas, told her it was closer to his home so he could come visit more often. Which he did, even though every time he came he had a new gadget. The sweeping robot. The talking clock robot that sometimes played a song when she remembered what to tell it. The doorbell robot. The robot that put on her program. She wondered if Thomas was okay. Actually, she hoped he wasn’t around.
After Thomas moved her in and got her internet set up, Pearl was ringing the doorbell with a box of cookies and a bottle of rosé. She called herself the welcome wagon but there wasn’t anyone else behind her.
They did what Ethel came to be known as the sixty second retirement hom…Active Senior Center…greeting.
Name: Ethel Gibbons
Spouse: Samuel. Dead five years now. Heart condition.
Children: Two. One boy, one girl.
Grandkids: Six. One nearby that promises to visit often.
Worked in: Education. Retired principal.
Pearl was a double widow. Both husbands dead of heart attacks. So the ladies had an instant bond. Her kids lived in California. “Movie business” is all Pearl would say. But she was nice. Busy. On all the activity boards. She seemed like she was into pageants or Junior League and that upbringing just never left.
In the few months since Ehtel was there, the two women had become close, but she didn’t think she was prepared to ride out the end days with Pearl Roberts. Especially the way she smothered her eggs with ketchup.
The bell on the door signaled another batch of customers through. Fry chef Darryl told them to help themselves and directed them to the TV but gave no other information. A couple of young adults sat next to Pearl at the counter and she turned to introduce herself. They took a selfie. Ethel and Fry Cook Darryl rolled their eyes. Ethel turned back to the TV to see if there was any other news.
“Ethel!” she turned to look at her friend. “These kids are going to appeal.” Ethel looked at the kids and the diner quieted down a bit.
“We heard there’s an appellate court. Or something. You can plead your case and go.”
Ethel wished she had packed a bible. She hadn’t been to church since Samuel’s service but she was sure she never read anything about a rapture court of appeals. You were either gone or you suffered for a few years until the second coming? Maybe?
“Did that rapper that started a church tell you that? Ethel was already irritated with these children.
“No ma’am. The radio guys said there was a line of people in Austin speaking with someone in the know.”
“Someone in the know? What kid of code is that? Is it an alien? A demon?”
They weren’t so much into Ethel’s logic and just wanted supplies and to hitch a ride to Austin.
The weather was surprisingly pleasant as the motley crew headed to Austin. They were expecting traffic but it was a smooth ride and one of the kids, Kiaden Aiden or Braiden, remarked to Pearl how well the car was kept, instantly earning him favor. After the signal started to fade on Garret’s soundtrack, Ethel turned the radio off and Pearl started to get wistful.
“I wonder if my husbands are going to be waiting on me on the other side.”
“I want to see if I can get in to see my dog,” the girl spoke up. She was quiet, as one would expect when you didn’t get raptured.
“I mean, I thought I was a good person. I recycled. I donated to charities.”
“Did you eat shellfish,” Pearl asked.
“Shellfish? Yes. I mean I’m not…what even religion says you can’t eat shellfish?”
“They all say that!” Pearl cackled. “So who even knows what we did or didn’t do. That’s why I’m glad you guys said we can go speak to someone.”
“I smoke a lot of weed,” Aiden Jaiden Kaiden confessed. “Like a lot. And I haven’t gone to Temple since my bar mitzvah. Except for funerals. My grandma’s.” He started to choke up. “But we don’t have a hell so like maybe I can just get an appeal.”
“Just up and quit huh,” Pearl scoffed.
Ethel listened to the others discuss their probable left behind causes and found herself hoping they were just in a “Dead zone” so she could get back to Garret’s Green Day playlist. She made a mental note to find out what a “Radiohead” was if she could get to a record store.
She thought over her life and while her marriage wasn’t what anyone would write a love story about, no Nancy Meyer sweaters or fancy kitchen, it was enough. She had kids and they had kids and it was fine. She couldn’t recall being sad at her husband’s funeral and she wondered if that was her demise.
Finally they saw a beam of light coming from the Commonwealth bridge when they arrived in Austin. Kaiden Braiden fumbled with the top but it was such a pretty day, Ethel told him not to worry.
“Plus we might not need to come back” Pearl screamed.
Ethel took her purse just in case. Jaiden took his GoPro out and started to record.
“There’s no internet,” the girl Claire spoke up. “Like what even woulare you hoping to do? What if there aren’t even enough people for you to go viral. Nobody wants to stream this shit.”
“What if you go to hell for yelling at me in the rapture appeals line” Cayden cried while keeping the camera on himself.
Ethel took a deep breath and just wanted to have some peace and quiet. She’d always been surrounded by kids arguing. At work. At home. Her husband. Even 70 year old kids at the Shady Pines retirement home. She closed her eyes and imagined the peace and quiet. Sightseeing. Reading a book. Actually finishing one of those Nancy Meyers movies.
The line passed smoothly while continuing to grow. Word was passing relatively quickly for there to be no internet.
“So I”m thinking I can swing an appeal,” Pearl says nervously as they inch closer. “I mean I think the only bad thing was that I killed my husbands.”
Ethel choked on her purse snacks she was eating.
“Why did you freak out about missing the rapture you ditzy broad? You killed two people!”
“Three,” Pearl confessed.
Claire perked up behind them.
“Excuse me Miss Pearl, did you say that you killed three husbands?”
“Two husbands. And a fiance. But that’s what appeals are for.”
“Wish me luck,” she said and she wheeled her suitcase in through the cubicle in the middle of the bridge.
Jaiden Aiden had a full on panic attack but focused his camera on himself as he retold the story of hitching a ride to Austin with a serial killer.
Ethel gave Claire a hug of good luck and let her skip in line while the attendant wasn’t looking. Nobody seemed to be coming out on the other side so it seemed more like Final Judgment than just Appeals.
A few seconds after Claire went in, the door opened. Ethel hugged her purse tight as she walked through.
An Accountant, identified as such from the name tag, welcomed her and asked her for her name and date of birth. Ethel set her purse in her lap as the Accountant searched. Wondering how interesting of a life it must have been to have killed three husbands and make it into retirement. She also remembered she forgot to give Pearl her keys back. She noted Pearl’s rolly bag in the corner.
“Hmph,” the Accountant noted. “Looks like there was a clerical error. You aren’t supposed to be here.” He told Ethel.
“Clerical error?”
“Someone ran the program two year too early and now we have to sort it out. Anyway you’re free to go through let me just…”
“Wait!” Ethel holler. “Tell me. Where’s my friend Pearl?”
The Accountant made a face and replied “I’m not sure if you’re aware but she killed a few people so um Upper Management…or Lower Management is taking care. Cleanup will dispose of her things but I assure you her rollie bag will be disposed of safely.
“Any my grandson? Happy and safe?”
The accountant confirmed.
“Well in that case, I’ll stay.”
“You can’t stay.”
“You said two more years. I have lot of stuff to do on my own. It should be a lot easier to live my life my way now.”
The Accountant checked a few papers.
“Well,” Ethel asked.
“I…I can’t find anything that says you can’t”
“What’s on the other side?”
“The afterlife.”
“And it will be there in two years?”
“…yes. But you can’t tell anyone. I have a lot of people to get through though so if you could just please…”
She grabbed her purse and stood up to shake the accountants hand.
“Oh one last thing, what’s Radiohead?”
The Accountant played her “No Surprises” on his computer. Ethel thanked him for his help and set off in her new Cadillac with the top still down, off in search for the closest record store.