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the following isn’t a cry for help or directed at anyone specifically, so don’t take anything personally, or try to offer words of encouragement, i’m just venting.  and normally i don’t give disclaimers but i haven’t started typing yet and not sure where it will lead me. i wrote this in my head like 3 times but of course it don’t count till its on paper.

i see how people get postpartum depression.

normally i lead a simple, routine (read: boring) life.  i get up, get dressed, go to work, do some stuff, come home, watch tv, shower, go to sleep, repeat.  often i meet up with gabby and do a little shopping, little eating. me and brownlee might hit a movie on the weekend.  that’s it.  in the past 3 weeks i’ve done…none of that.  ok i’ve showered everyday but that’s about it.

now i just sort of get up at random times, eventually brush my teeth. take off one pair of sweats and put on cozy pants, or yoga pants.  feed the baby.  watch some tv. feed the baby.  take a nap.  feed the baby.  snack.  feed the baby.  make a shake/float.  feed the baby.

and its not so much that the baby that would be the cause of the would-be depression.  it’s mostly the lack of routine.  in fact the baby is the only thing that is on a routine (of sorts).  she eats every 3 hours and poops about 15 minutes afterwards.  she doesn’t sleep exactly when i’d like her to but she is just a baby. she gets a pass.

it’s moreso that i’m missing my routine of any sorts.  i haven’t curled my hair in days. i haven’t really put on clothes to go anywhere.  my brain is turning to mush from the crappy tv i watch.  thank the electronic gods for giving us Kindles because i can read with no hands while i feed the baby (i occasionally read her whatever i’m reading).

wednesday me and mommy were out for a little and i thought some retail therapy which was a temporary relief.  i bought some dvds and some makeup. i bought some nikes that i need to lace up and get to walking and knock off this last 6 pounds.

and we’ve had tons of visitors, which isn’t really a complaint, it just also adds to the lack of routine.  it doesn’t so much knock off our feeding schedule, i just also have to make sure i have alone time with addy as well.  and i get annoyed with the personal questions and unsolicited advice.  you got to screw up your kid your way, let me do mine my own way.   i’m not interested in how you think things should be done, the doctor told us to do stuff this way. etc etc.

i mean i’d rather have a steady stream of visitors than to just do it alone, because i’m certain that’s how people go nuts. but i do need to work on getting some balance.  blame it on the libra in me (although i don’t put tons of stock in astrological signs).  i gotta figure how to make time for myself, for me and addy, and for addy and other people.

i need to go and sit in a starbucks or at a patio bar and do nothing but shoot the shit or read a book for about an hour.  i need my eyebrows done.  i need to go to the bookstore.  i need a pork loin sandwich and tres leches from ruggles cafe.  just anything regular.

but i am sorta settling into taking care of addison.  often i worry that she’s not getting enough to eat, because she poos like a champ right after she eats and whenever she spits up i think its everything she just ate.  maybe cause her mouth is so tiny and she just opens it up and lets the spit dribble down.  the other day i thought she was trying to give me kisses but she was really just throwing up on my face. i only have 3 tshirts in rotation because i’m scared to get dribble on anything else.  and people have been saying that taking care of a baby is natural but you really have no choice because of the sheer paranoia.  whenever i put her in the pack n play to sleep on her own, i’m wide awake listening for every noise and then being even more paranoid when there is no noise. (this is where i’m not looking for words of encouragement or youcandoitness)  i’m so glad we got that sleep sheep cause it really helps with putting me to sleep.