I saw Jurassic Park this weekend for probably the 600th time in my life. I mean it’s been 20 years since it’s original release. So that seems about right. Granted, I can’t remember the last time I actually sat and watched and paid attention to the movie. I mostly just tune in basic cable when I see it on and clean up or read or just listen for key parts to quote
Must. Go. Faster.
Where’s the goat?
Hold on to your butts.
Stuff like that. With new questions.
Sitting there with the 3D glasses on was like seeing the movie over for the first time. Well with 20 years more pop culture reference in my head. So as soon as Wayne Knight comes on screen I’m all “Newman!” in my Jerry Seinfeld voice. Ariel did catch that he said someone else messed up by being cheap and that’s why he was now selling dino DNA to this new guy.
And they stop the tour to go see a sick triceratops. The makeup on that elephant is flawless. Dude is like “oh she gets sick like every 6 weeks”. Then the kids and Sam Neill are stuck in the tree looking at the “veggiesaurus” and one sneezes right in the little girls face. They made such a big deal about the dinosaurs being sick but nobody ever addressed WHY they were sick! And why would a dinosaur have snot?! Was this in the book? Like more reason why they shouldn’t have messed with nature cause the dinosaurs had their chance? Maybe they got wiped out by some flu and not a meteor or climate change. Or they’re like those aliens in the Tom Cruise War of the Worlds that were allergic to water. Or was that Signs? Or both? Dumb aliens.
I also never noticed how many times Grandpa made a big deal about them sparing no expense at the park. Like they had the 5 star chef make Chilean sea bass but the scientist got into such a heated debate about ethics that they didn’t even eat it. I’m sure if they knew the day they were in for they would have at least stashed away some protein bars but I don’t think protein bars were a thing in 93. I get that they were trying to make it seem like you still can’t do whatever you want just because you can pay for it but greed was not the only villain in Jurassic Park. The raptors were.
It was awesome to see the TRex in 3D. I was worried because with high def, high megahertz TV screens, the CGI/blue screen action in 
Jurassic Park looks like a bad Godzilla movie. It used to be seamless. 3D didn’t take away from it. When Laura Dern is running with the Crocodile Hunter to turn the power back on when the raptors are hunting them, one of them sumbitches pops out of the wiring and scared the bejeezus out of us. I mean knees up, crouched down into the seat, screaming scared. I totally forgot about that one!
And then when the kids are hiding in the kitchen from the two raptors and those mofos start to open the door, I told Ariel that’s how it is to try to pee with a toddler. The suspense was maddening. Because if it was just a guy with a gun you could try to run for it. Or hit him in the head with one of those frying pans they use to make Chilean sea bass. But two raptors?! And you’re a 10 year old girl or her 8 year old brother who had just been electrocuted and dead for about 45 seconds?! And you hadn’t eaten anything but pie and jello ten minutes before the raptors hunted you down?! And the night before you got attacked by a tyrannosaurs rex and wrecked a Ford Explorer. Twice. WTF?! But they managed to escape.
But then the raptor follows them to the control room. And Sam’s trying to hold the door while they cry about the system not being online to lock the door. Laura Dern is stretching with her foot trying to get the shotgun but she can’t. Then the little girl is like “Oh this is just a Linux system! I can work this!” So she starts to hack the system and get the security online. But you know what? Timmy is just sitting there. Nobody was like “goddammit Tim we need the gun to shoot the raptor. Quit watching your sister you idiot and shoot this dinosaur.”
And even after they lock the door the raptors get in ANYWAY so they shimmy up the ladder into the vents. And the raptor pops up to try to get them. OMG we jumped so hard. Why didn’t the raptors want the five star sea bass?! They passed a stationary buffet to get tricky humans. Why would dinosaurs even like the taste of human meat?
Then they all get cornered but TRex saves the day. But they didn’t know he was coming because there was no water nearby to see the ripples. Because that’s the only way you can detect a gigantic beast heading your way, ripples in water. Otherwise they’re in stealth mode making it easy for them to sneak up on prey.
Despite these bits of ridiculousness it’s still a fantastic movie. I can’t even remember seeing the second or third one to know how they got rid of the dinosaurs. You would think the government would just drop a bomb destroying the island…
OR MAKING RADIOACTIVE DINOSAURS.
I’ve successfully freaked myself out.
I loved the book, and I used to like the movie back in the day, although I was kinda scared (hey, I don't like dinosaurs just popping out at me!). I didn't realize the 3D movie was just the first movie redone, I thought for some reason that it was a brand new movie!
yeah i'm not going to pretend I know HOW they made the old movie 3D, but some parts you can't tell and then BOOM! raptor in your face 🙂
that raptor almost made me pee my pants. lol.
Bre', your review is hilarious! You should make it your business to blog movie remakes. It's definitely your gift. I only know some parts of Jurassic Park, but you made it come to life with your review. Too funny!