Harold’s Birthday

Harold woke up five minutes before his wife’s alarm was set to go off.  The same way he had the past 30 years of his life.  He silently pulled the sheets back and went to wash his face and start the coffee.  He usually had about 30 minutes to himself to read the paper and drink a steaming cup of Folgers.  And to give himself the same pep talk he had every day since they met.  “I’m going to do it today.  It’s gone on way too long.  This is ridiculous!  This is my life.  Her life!  At this point it’s just a formality.  But I have to tell her.”  Normally when she emerged from the bathroom mumbling about the day he would just smile and hand her the cup of coffee with lots of cream and sugar, disgusting him, and go on about his day.

Why would any day really be any different?

But it was.  It would be.  It had to be.  He was now 55.  Time to stop being ridiculous.  As if the past 30 years were an excuse for the ridiculousness.

In celebration of his new determination he decided to call in to his boss and say he was taking a personal day.

“Being an old geezer finally getting to you,” Brian emailed back on his Blackberry.  The 20-something dick of a recent college graduate who was put in charge because he had a Masters yet no real experience but that’s all that mattered these days.  Whatever.  He had the day off.  And wasn’t going to tell Peggy.

Freedom.  That’s what he wanted for his birthday.  And he was going to get it.

 

Peggy emerged from the bathroom 20 minutes later looking no different than she had any other day but when she asked how she looked he replied with his standard “lovely dear”, without looking up. She never noticed.  Not that she really noticed anything he did really.  He mostly got noticed for what he didn’t do.  If he didn’t cook dinner or didn’t mow the lawn and tend to the pool, or didn’t comply to whatever ridiculous rules Peggy set but rarely communicated.

 

She started in on her usual celebrity news watching.  “Harold, did you know Whatshisface and Somechick are getting divorced?”  “Harold, did you know Celebritylady has massive plastic surgery?”  “Harold, did you know that I’m an idiot and never say anything worthwhile,” he imagined her saying.  He never knew what she was talking about.  And she never cared to really pay attention to his nods anyway.  It was their morning routing.

 

But today was his birthday and she didn’t even say Happy Birthday or ask if he wanted breakfast or what his plans were for the day.  When she opened up her laptop to get on Facebook he knew she had plain forgotten (if he was on Facebook maybe she would get the notification but he didn’t see the point), so he set his coffee down and asked her a simple question.

 

“Do you remember when we first met,” he asked her.

Peggy actually stopped typing a few minutes and put her head back thinking.  “Yeah.  It was 1981.  We were at a party.  You kept talking about Star Trek…”

“Star Wars,” he corrected her.  He always corrected her.  She never got them right.

“Star WHATEVER.  But you were cute anyway, and I gave you my number.  Then we went out on a date and that was that.  Why? Did you forget?”

“I think about that night every day. I’d never forget.  And do you remember when we got married?”

“You’re just being silly now Harold!  We got married 6 months later at that little white chapel.  You bought me the ring I wanted and I couldn’t wait so we got married right away.”

He smiled at her.  A “you stupid bitch you forced me to buy you a ring wasting three months of my savings, and then demanded we get married.  It was never an engagement ring! But the plans got too detailed and it was too late to back out,” smile.  Hers was a smile of endearment.  As close as she could muster.

“I shoulda told you something the night we met,” he started.  He couldn’t believe he was actually going through with it.

“That we should have gotten married that night? Harold don’t be ridiculous.  I wasn’t that kind of girl!”  But she was because they slept together the first date.  She skimmed over that fact even though he was there.

“My name isn’t Harold,” he mumbled.

She didn’t move.  Maybe she didn’t hear him.

He picked his coffee back up.  At least he had gotten it out.  The horrible secret he kept from her for the past 30 years.  He knew it was ridiculous.  But once it was out he felt instant relief.

“You what,” she whispered.  She had an evil twitch in her left eye.

“My name isn’t Harold.  When we met I told you  my name was Jeffery but you didn’t hear me or something and called me Harold and I just never corrected you.”

She stared back at him.  Mouth wide.

“And for the record, I never asked you to marry me! You demanded the ring and then took it to mean we were engaged!”  The words were pouring out.

“And I’m probably going to go quit my job because my boss is a 26 year old douche bag!”  He stood up and grabbed his jacket from the coat closet.  Peggy followed him around the house in a huff as he went upstairs to his office and grabbed a few items.

“You never listen to me! And that’s how we got in this situation.  Maybe I’m shy and should have learned to speak my mind before.  But you’re awful!  And I hate your hair.  And nobody wears pink eyeshadow.   It’s not 1985 anymore.  And I got a vasectomy after we got married so I’d never be stuck having kids with you!”

He couldn’t stop himself now.  It was a crazy out of body experience he was having.  Did he really mean all of this stuff?  Obviously it had been building up.

He grabbed a few more things and stuffed them into a briefcase.  A few clothes into a duffel bag.  What the hell was he doing?!

Harold…Jeffery went back down the stairs and into the garage.  If she stood in his way he swore to himself he’d run her over with the piece of shit Volkswagon she made him drive around in.  How could a person that couldn’t drive demand the type of family car they had?  The signs of his suffering were everywhere.

 

He threw the fake daisy she stuck in the flower holder out of the window and onto her stunned feet.  As he backed out of the driveway he yelled  “IT’S MY GODDAMN BIRTHDAY!” and sped off out of neighborhood.