Opi-um-atic

Dr. Seuss was on some good drugs.

I don’t really need an internet article to prove to me that this statement is true.  I’m two weeks into reading a Dr. Seuss book to Addy in bed every night and it is a fact that he was on good drugs.

The amount of drugs this man must have been on would probably make a rapper or Shakespeare dizzy.

Firstly, reading a Dr. Seuss book to your child will make you feel like an idiot.  English is dumb enough already.  If I type “READ” most people will see it as “REED” and some will see it as “RED” which are already words and yet pounced the same as read or read.  There’s “small” then “smaller” then “smallest” but then there is “good”, “better”, “best”.  “Gooder” is not proper.  This is all difficult to grasp even if you were born here speaking the language.  But then Dr. Seuss just makes shit up.

There are some easy words like “Lorax” ok that’s fine. “Octember”.  That’s not a real month but that’s not too bad either.  “Schlop”  “wocket”  “scromulous”.  Come on dude, it’s nighttime.

And a big thing about it is the books rhyme.  So like everyone else in the world, I like rap music (circa 1989 – 2004).  You get in a rhythm with the story and then you come up on “scromulous”.  And you give Dr. Seuss the finger.

Then I decided to take it easy.  I read The Cat in the Hat.

“No! Not in the house!”
Said the fish in the pot
“They should not fly kites
In a house!  They should not.
Oh, the things they will bump!
Oh, the things they will hit!
Oh, I do not like it!
Not one little bit!”

Now get out of here you little shit.

Because I am 12.

Also, unless you are an elementary school teacher odds are, you’re going into this book cold.  This will certainly make you feel foolish.  And you kinda want to go back to that time you laughed at a kid for stammering over words when you had to read aloud in class.  And I read all the time.  Then I came across this:

Bed spreaders spread spreads on beds.
Bread spreaders spread butters on breads
And that bed spreader better
watch out how he’s spreading
or that bread spreader’s
sure going to butter his bedding

And I was like f this book.

So I went to bitch to some of the Bumpies.  And they told me that they just narrate the pictures!  This is like when they told me they just give the kids pouches like Capri Suns instead of squirting them into the spoon.

Scholoppity schlop.